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215 Funny Quotes – Funniest Quotes Of The All Time

Funny Quotes: The following are a few funny quotes said by some of the most well-known comedians and authors from around the world. Having a good laugh first thing in the morning is the best way to get the day started. Since the dawn of time, people have turned to comedy as a means of lifting their spirits and improving their general well-being. In addition to this, it is an excellent way to stimulate your creativity and increase the amount of work you get done. The funniest people in the world are responsible for some of the most hilarious statements ever made. Comedians consistently take the number one spot on the list of the highest-paid people in the world, and for good reason.

Having a good laugh is important for everyone, especially in times of adversity or when we are feeling down in the dumps. On the other hand, it can be challenging to locate the ideal joke that will make us laugh. Because of this, we have put together this list of the funniest quotes ever spoken by comedians, writers, and other notable figures. The following is a compilation of some of the most hilarious quotes ever spoken by some of the funniest people in the world.

Funniest Quotes Of The All Time – You’ve found the right place if you’re looking for humorous quotes to illustrate a point, liven up a presentation, offer a toast, or just for your own personal amusement. We’ve compiled some of the most iconic songs of all time. Are you interested in even more quotations? You might also get a kick out of our brand new collection of the funniest jokes ever told. Have fun—and you can quote us!

Funniest Quotes Of The All Time and funny images

1. Every day is a leg day when you are running away from your problems. – Priyanshu Singh

2. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” —Mark Twain

3. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.

4. “When in doubt, look intelligent.” —Garrison Keillor

5. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. – Woody Allen

6. “By the time you’re years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns

7. I don’t like myself, I’m crazy about myself. – Mae West

Funniest Quotes Of The All Time

8. He knows nothing, and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career. – George Bernard Shaw

9. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates

10. “Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder

Hilarious Quotes About Laughing and funny memes images

11. Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. – Oliver Goldsmith

12. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball

13. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” —Bo Derek

14. “We use of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.” —Ellen DeGeneres

15. When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did. – James Fineous McBride

16. “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” —Robert Benchley

17. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

18. “Never eat more than you can lift.” —Miss Piggy

19. “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” —Judith Martin

20. How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans. – Woody Allen

21. “Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman

22. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” —Jerry Seinfeld

23. Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. – Mae West

24. “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” —Rita Mae Brown

25. Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off. – Ralph Bus

26. “The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they’ve been indicted.” —Kin Hubbard

27. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house. – Henny Youngman

28. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. – Will Rogers

29. “It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.” —Gore Vidal

30. Arguing with women is like reading the software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I Agree.”

31. “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez

32. “You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur

33. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov

34. I might be annoying but at least my lock screen isn’t a selfie.

35. “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

36. “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry

37. They said, don’t give up on your dreams. So I went back to sleep.

38. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp

39. I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

40. “Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise they won’t come to yours.” —Yogi Berra

41. Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender. – Homer Simpson

42. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can’t see anything.

43. “A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.” —Channing Pollock

44. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron

45. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy

Hilarious Quotes About Laughing

47. I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. – Mitch Hedberg

48. Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’ – Unknown

49. What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb. – Aunt Voula

50. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin

51. Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path. – Ellen DeGeneres

52. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller

53. I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me. – Dr. Peter Venkman

54. “Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.” —Dearborn Independent

55. “A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there’s fire.” —Dan Bennett

56. Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever. – Pete

57. My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne. – Tina Fey

58. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers

59. Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry? – Shelley Darlingson

60. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” —W.C. Fields

61. Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. – Adam Gropman

62. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” —Rita Mae Brown

63. “There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.”—Robert Benchley

64. “She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster

65. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield

66. A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. – Graham Norton

67. The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. – Clairee Belcher

68. Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. – David Letterman

69. “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” —Ernest Hemingway

70. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —Abraham Lincoln

71. “User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’” —Dave Barry

72. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres

73. “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” —Fran Lebowitz

74. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

75. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. – Elise

76. You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. – Joan Rivers

77. “Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” —Dave Barry

78. “It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.” —Malcolm Forbes

79. “All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.” —Steve Martin, in the film Sgt. Bilko.

80. “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” —James Branch Cabell

81. Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’ – Steven Wright

82. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” —Oscar Wilde

83. “If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney

84. “A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.” —William Lowe Bryan

85. There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant. – Unknown

86. “Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.” —George Carlin

87. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” —Jim Carrey

88. “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert

89. “The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.” —Lucille S. Harper

90. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon

91. “Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis

92. There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test. – Dowager Countess Violet Crawley

93. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. – Sir Norman Wisdom

94. Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. – Jerry

Best Funny Quotes And Funny Sayings

96. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone

97. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. – Woody Allen

98. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. – Jack Handey

99. Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese. – Luis Bunuel

100. Someone should open up a restaurant called “I don’t care”. Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriends always talking about.

101. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here? – Billy Connoly

102. It’s not always easy to come up with a funny one-liner. But if you want to make someone laugh, you might need to think outside the box.

103. If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes – make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast. – David Brent

104. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart

105. “If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” —Phil Pastoret

106. I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. – Woody Allen

107. “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will

108. Does anybody know how to disable the auto-correct feature on my wife ?

109. I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom. – Bob Hope

110. “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” —Jerome K. Jerome

111. Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him every day that he is wrong. – Priyanshu Singh

112. When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. – Erma Bombeck

113. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. – Groucho Marx

114. “Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.” —George Burns

115. Don’t forget to send these funny friendship quotes to your BFF for some laughs!

116. “Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielsen

117. “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton

118. “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” —Kurt Vonnegut

119. If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. – David Brent

120. “Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” —Dennis Miller

121. I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well. – Dory

122. “You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.” —Anonymous

123. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

124. “An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous

125. “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” —B. Birdsong

126. “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly

127. “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” —Mike Bechtle

128. My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush. – Bobby Boucher

129. I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you. – Groucho Marx

130. If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other.

131. “The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.” —Doug Larson

132. I always wanted to have someone, someone to love. And now that you’ve come into my life – I’ve changed my mind.

133. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell

134. Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. – Lt. Frank Drebin

135. “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edgar Bergen

136. “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” —Quentin Crisp

137. There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong. – Surgeon

138. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown

139. There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. – Mindy Kaling

140. “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.’”—Yogi Berra

141. “If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker

142. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

143. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck

144. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield

145. By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. – Richard Dawkins

146. I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ – Priyanshu Singh

147. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess

148. Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself – like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks. – Jean Kerr

149. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

150. In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker. – Woody Allen

Short Funny Quotes On Life

152. “By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.” —Don Herold

153. I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. – Woody Allen

154. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams

155. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”—Oscar Wilde

156. I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? – Chandler

157. “In order to maintain a well­-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada

158. When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…

159. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

160. “Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.” —Steve Martin

161. “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.” —G.K. Chesterton

162. Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room. – President Merkin Muffley

163. “Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock

164. Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating. – Frank Semyon

165. “What happens after you die?”

166. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

167. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. – Mark Twain

168. A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life. – Christopher Morley

169. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. – Les Dawson

170. Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink. – Unknown

171. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

172. I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. – Jimmy Kimmel

173. My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one. – Groucho Marx

174. Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you, they can’t laugh either! – Unknown

175. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” —Anonymous

176. “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley

177. Trust me, You can dance. Vodka

178. “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do.” —Dale Carnegie

179. “If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?” —John Cleese

180. I’m not insane. My mother had me tested. – Sheldon Cooper

181. “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” —Anonymous

182. Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.

183. “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie

184. Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’? – Neil DeGrasse Tyson

185. Life is too complicated in the morning.

186. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. – Oscar Wilde

187. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein

188. Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

189. “There but for the grace of God, goes God.” —Anonymous, commenting on the film director Orson Welles

190. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.” —W.C. Fields

191. Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.

192. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

193. Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. – Quentin Crisp

194. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. – Priyanshu Singh

195. Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. – John Lennon

196. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

197. A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes.

198. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

199. My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. – Rose

200. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox

201. “Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” —Anonymous

202. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henry Youngman

203. I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.

204. “It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.” —Erma Bombeck

205. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld

206. “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott

207. Mr. Right is coming. But He’s in Africa and he’s walking. – Oprah Winfrey

208. I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

209. “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —Will Rogers

210. “Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you.”

211. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. – Unknown

212. I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are. – Damien Fahey

213. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain

214. If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

215. It is better to fart and feel the shame than hold and feel the pain.

216. Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life! – Unknown

217. Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.

218. “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota

219. “The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.” —Mark Twain