45 Funny Sarcastic Quotes And Funny Sarcasm Sayings

The Best Funny Sarcastic Quotes And Sarcasm Sayings. Said by Oscar Wilde to be the highest form of intelligence but the lowest form of wit, the word sarcasm comes from the Greek and Latin for “to tear flesh”. But, new research by Harvard, has found that sarcasm’s bite is mostly benign.

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1. “Sarcasm is not an attitude. It is an art.”

2. “Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they’re dead.”

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3. “For the third time this week, I’m buying booze for the next two weeks”

4. “There are two types of people in the world 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm 2. Idiots”

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5. “Where is Morgan Freeman? Shouldn’t he be narrating this shit or something?”

6. “I’m so polite but I’m also the rudest person ever. Like, I’ll hold the door for you & you’ll be thinking I’m an actual sweetheart when in reality I’m thinking “Hurry up, stupid”

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7. “I often look at my children and can’t see me in them. Then they open their mouth and say something sarcastic and I’m like there I am!”

8. “I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me.”

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9. “I don’t have ex’s, I have y’s. Like “Y the hell did I date you?”

10. “Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in a cafeteria at a mental hospital”

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11. “Twinkle twinkle little snitch, mind your business nosey bitch.”

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12. “My body is a temple ancient and crumbling probably cursed or haunted”

13. “Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.” — Helen Keller

14. “What (and I can’t stress this enough) the fuck.”

15. “My mother didn’t raise a fool. A psychotic cold-hearted bitch… But not a fool.”

16. “Follow your brain. Your heart is an idiot.”

17. “Be the reason someone smiles today… Or the reason they I drink. Whatever works.”

18. “Toddler: tod-ler (noun) Someone who can’t hear their name being called repeatedly but can hear a bag of chips being opened through three walls and a thunderstorm.”

19. “*Missing school* Nobody: No one at all: Me at home: Abhi 5th period start hua hoga.”

20. “The hardest part of parenting is trying to be fake mad when your kid does something bad but hilarious.”

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21. “Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants!”

22. “Me to my children: I would kill and die for you also me to my children: I am not your damn maid and will burn all the shit on your bedroom floors in a massive bonfire and dance around the flames in glory and rage”

23. “I have to keep reminding myself that I’m an adult and will be charged as one.”

24. “Therapist: “What do we say when we feel angry?” Me *putting hair in a ponytail * “This mother f-“ therapist: “ummm no”

25. “Elementary kids have iPhones. When I was a kid, I put glue on my hands just so I could peel it off when it dried.”

26. “My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said: “No, we all seem to enjoy it.””

27. “I like to think of myself as a natural disaster. If you really piss me off, naturally there will be a disaster.”

28. “This is why children are 800% worse when their mothers are around because you, mama, are their safe place. You are the place they can come to with all of their problems. If you can’t make something better… well, then who else can? You, dear mama, are a garbage disposal of unpleasant feelings and emotions. If a child’s been holding it together all day, in an unpleasant situation, the second they see you, they know it’s time they can finally let go.”

29. “Lead me not into temptation. Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut”

30. “You are living proof that god has a sense of humor.”

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31. “Sometimes, I shock myself with the smart stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.”

32. “If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.”

33. “When you focus on problems, you’ll have more problems. When you focus on possibilities, you’ll have more opportunities.”

34. “I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words”

35. “If someone asks “Are you crazy?” simply reply “Yes.” Boom. End of discussion.”

36. “Sometimes I look at people and think “Really.? That’s the sperm that won?””

37. “I’m not bossy, I just know exactly what you should be doing.”

38. “I will slap you so hard even Google won’t be able to find you.”

39. “No, I’m not insulting you. * I’m describing you.”

40. “Do you ever look at all your kids and think… That one will be dropping me curbside at the nursing home. That one will be paying for it. That one will visit me the most. And that one? He’ll be sneaking in the good tequila and twinkies.”

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41. “In the future, my grandchildren may ask about the global crisis of 2020 and how the world was tragically out of tp. I plan to tell them, that we had to drag our butts across the grass. Up hill both ways. In the snow.”

42. “I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”

43. “Girls be like “I’m a doll” yeah, so was chucky you crazy bitch…”

44. “Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.”

45. “My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point to where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.”

46. “Happiness isn’t about getting what you want all the time. It’s about loving what you have and being grateful for it.”

47. “Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah me neither.”

48. “He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.”

49. “When someone asks where do you see yourself in 10 years… Buddy, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.”

50. “I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended please be patient I will get to you shortly”

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51. “Other moms: OMG honey are you okay? Come let’s clean that up. I’ll take care of you. Me: Maybe if you listened to me when I told you not to do that, you would be perfectly fine right now.”

52. “She’s a reflection of me. So you know she’s awesome.”

53. “Q: Why did the math book look so sad? A: Because it had so many problems.”

54. “Well aren’t you just a fun little lollipop triple dipped in psycho…”

55. “When your “Mom voice” is so loud that even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed”

56. “Me: He died of natural causes. Cop: You pushed him off the roof. Me: Gravity’s natural.”

57. “Gonna ask my mom if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table”

58. “The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.”

59. “As a mom, I constantly worry about the safety of my children. Like especially the one who’s been rolling her eyes and talking back to me.”

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60. “Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.”

61. “God says stay patient. My timing is perfect. I have something bigger planned for you and trust me, you’re going to love it.”

62. “Sometimes question my sanity, but the unicorn in the kitchen told me I’m fine”

63. “Sarcasm, I put that shit on everything.”

64. “When someone says, “Expect the unexpected” slap them and say, “You didn’t expect that, did you?”

65. “I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes”

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Funny Sarcastic Quotes Here are some great and best sarcastic quotes because Sarcasm is the second-best thing you can do!