Some cute “Funniest Quotes to Make You Laugh.” pick to share.
NEXT TIME A
STRANGER TALKS
TO YOU WHEN
YOU’RE ALONE,
JUST LOOK AT
THEM SHOCKED
AND WHISPER,
You can see me?”
“Before you marry a
person, you should
first make them use a
computer with slow
Internet to see who
they really are.”
-WILL FERRELL-
“Age is something
that doesn’t
matter, unless you
are a cheese.”
LUIS BUÑUEL
“If hard work is
the key to success,
most people
would rather pick
the lock.”
CLAUDE MCDONALD
“I like long walks,
especially when
they are taken by
people who annoy
me.”
NOEL COWARD
I don’t always do
the wrong thing,
but when I do,
it’s the wrongiest
of all the wrongs
that ever wronged
FUNNY QUOTES
THAT WILL MAKE
YOU LAUGH
Access 65 of the funniest quotes TODAY! Discover great lines from Jim Carrey, Tina Fey, and Bill Murray that will make you laugh out loud!
Funniest Quotes
♥ “This
morning I’m about: 92% coffee
and 8% dry shampoo.”
♥ “Sundays… Sleep
until you’re hungry. Then eat
until you’re sleepy.”
♥ “Today’s forecast: lazy
with a 90% chance of
Netflix. Self.”
♥ “Food. Water. Chanel. Let’s
get back to the essentials.”
♥ “Nothing
haunts us like the things
we didn’t buy.”
♥ “You are what
you eat. So I am
pizza.”
♥
“All I’m saying is you
rarely see a person crying
and eating pie at the
same time.”
♥ “I’m not
a control freak, I just
know how to fold a
towel the right way. You
can’t just start folding all
willy-nilly, like some sort of
linen rebel.”
♥ “You drink too much.
You cuss too much. You
have questionable morals. You’re everything
I ever wanted in a
friend.”
♥
“Life is about balance. The
good and the bad. The
highs and the lows. The
pina and the colada. Ellen
DeGeneres”
♥
“Do not read the next
sentence you little rebel I
like you.”
♥ “I always carry a
spoon in my purse. You
know, in case of peanut
butter or something.”
Hilarious Quotes to Make You
Laugh
♥
“Complaints call #867-5309 and ask
for Jenny.”
♥ “Talents: eating.”
♥ “My summer bikini
body wasn’t ready, but my
winter sweater body is ahead
of schedule.”
♥ “Maybe she’s crazy, maybe
she just needs carbs. You
don’t know.”
♥ “I’m just going to
flip this omelet here amended.
I’m having scrambled eggs.”
♥ “If we’re
ever in a situation where
I am the “voice of
reason” then we are in
a very very bad situation.”
♥ “Me:
will it be hot, cold,
sunny, or rainy today? Spring:
yes.”
♥ “If you wear
your jeans 5 days in
a row, they become all
baggy and it looks like
you’re losing weight. Follow me
for more quarantine life pro
tips.”
♥
“I’m afraid that, when I
turn 69, I won’t be
able to stop giggling.”
♥ “Guys, guys
you gotta let me nap.
I’m gonna get cranky. Joey
tribbiani”
♥
“Remember when teachers used to
say “you won’t have a
calculator everywhere you go” well,
we showed them.”
Short Funny Sayings
♥ “Rule 1: eat
tacos like every day is
Tuesday.”
♥
“Me: I should go to
the gym today. Also me:
second lunch sounds like a
good idea.”
♥ “Marriage, it’s like a
walk in the park. Jurassic
Park.”
♥
“Goodbye weekend we had something
special.”
♥
“Winners never quit, but quitters
have more free time.”
♥ “Of if
Friday were a food, it
would be pizza.”
♥ “Life is too
short to remove USB drive
safely.”
♥
“’You’ll understand when you’re older.’
I am older and I
understand absolutely nothing.”
♥ “I don’t care
where we eat… As long
as it’s not the 7
places you just named.”
♥ “I think
my soulmate might be carbs.”
♥ “No,
seriously. I’m late because my
dog wouldn’t poop.”
♥ “Surely not everybody
was kung fu fighting.”
Best Funny Quotes
♥ “I feel like
I should clean the house,
so I’m going to read
until the feeling passes.”
♥ “To be
honest, I’m just winging it.
Life, motherhood, my eyeliner. Everything.”
♥ “When
I say “we’ll see” there’s
a 100% chance that it’s
not happening I may even
throw in an “oh that
sounds fun” for decoration but
it’s still not happening.”
♥ “You had
me at we’ll make it
look like an accident.”
♥
“I am “probably going to
ask for a new swiffer
wet jet for Christmas” years
old.”
♥
“The fridge is a perfect
example of what matters is
on the inside.”
♥ “The human body
is 90% water so we’re
just cucumbers with anxiety.”
♥ “Daily affirmation:
your hair is so much
better than it was in
middle school.”
♥ “9 Am: egg whites
and avocado 1 pm: kale
salad 6 pm: chicken and
veggies 11 pm: 23 Oreos
+ tub of ice cream.”
Funniest Quotes About Smile
♥ “Come here
you a big, beautiful cup
of coffee, and lie to
me about how much we’re
going to get done today.”
♥ “Sweater
weather? More like wrap up
in a blanket and never
leave weather”
♥ “Turns out my top
3 hobbies are: 1. Eating
at restaurants 2. Going to
nonessential businesses 3. Touching my
face.”
♥
“You’re still a rockstar” I
whisper to myself as I
take my multivitamin and get
in bed at 9:00.”
♥ “Keep your
holiday diet balanced… A cookie
in each hand. To the
lovely endo.”
♥ “No, I don’t rise
and shine” Most days, I
just caffeinate and then hope
for the best.”
♥ “Coffee is a
cup of hope in a
world full of chaos and
Mondays.”
♥
“Monday: nothing a bit of
shopping can’t fix.”
♥ “Cop: ma’am what’s
in the bottle? Me: oh,
just some water. Cop: ma’am.
That’s wine. Me: Jesus did
it again!”
♥ “Love is like a
fart. If you have to
force it. It’s probably shit.”
♥ “Kinda
feeling like the earth just
sent us all to our
rooms to think about what
we’ve done.”
Hilarious Quotes For Instagram
♥ “Love is
in the air. Nope, that’s
bacon.”
♥
“One day you’re not old
and the next day you
have a favorite grocery store.”
♥ “Of
course size matters nobody wants
a small cup of coffee.”
♥ “Dentist:
open up please me: sometimes
I get sad.”
♥ “When my bra
matches my underwear I feel
like I @rebel or have
my life together.”
♥ “When you decide
to have a cheat meal
and all of a sudden
it’s three years later…”
♥ “Apparently this
year is being written by
stephen king.”
♥ “I love when it
gets dark at 4 pm.
Said no one ever”
♥ “Without ice
cream, would be darkness –
and chaos there.”
Whether you’re
looking for funny quotes to
make a point, enliven a
presentation, give a toast, or
just for your own amusement,
you’ve come to the right
place. We have been collecting
funny quotes since our first
post. Looking for even more
quotes? Check out our lists
of uplifting quotes, family quotes,
and life is short quotes.
You might also enjoy our
new compendium of the best
jokes ever. Have fun—and you
can quote us!
