65 Funniest Quotes to Make You Laugh

Some cute “Funniest Quotes to Make You Laugh.” pick to share.

Access 65 of the funniest quotes TODAY! Discover great lines from Jim Carrey, Tina Fey, and Bill Murray that will make you laugh out loud!

Funniest Quotes

♥ “This morning I’m about: 92% coffee and 8% dry shampoo.”

♥ “Sundays… Sleep until you’re hungry. Then eat until you’re sleepy.”

♥ “Today’s forecast: lazy with a 90% chance of Netflix. Self.”

♥ “Food. Water. Chanel. Let’s get back to the essentials.”

♥ “Nothing haunts us like the things we didn’t buy.”

♥ “You are what you eat. So I am pizza.”

♥ “All I’m saying is you rarely see a person crying and eating pie at the same time.”

♥ “I’m not a control freak, I just know how to fold a towel the right way. You can’t just start folding all willy-nilly, like some sort of linen rebel.”

♥ “You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”

♥ “Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. Ellen DeGeneres”

♥ “Do not read the next sentence you little rebel I like you.”

♥ “I always carry a spoon in my purse. You know, in case of peanut butter or something.”

Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh

♥ “Complaints call #867-5309 and ask for Jenny.”

♥ “Talents: eating.”

♥ “My summer bikini body wasn’t ready, but my winter sweater body is ahead of schedule.”

♥ “Maybe she’s crazy, maybe she just needs carbs. You don’t know.”

♥ “I’m just going to flip this omelet here amended. I’m having scrambled eggs.”

♥ “If we’re ever in a situation where I am the “voice of reason” then we are in a very very bad situation.”

♥ “Me: will it be hot, cold, sunny, or rainy today? Spring: yes.”

♥ “If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight. Follow me for more quarantine life pro tips.”

♥ “I’m afraid that, when I turn 69, I won’t be able to stop giggling.”

♥ “Guys, guys you gotta let me nap. I’m gonna get cranky. Joey tribbiani”

♥ “Remember when teachers used to say “you won’t have a calculator everywhere you go” well, we showed them.”

Short Funny Sayings

♥ “Rule 1: eat tacos like every day is Tuesday.”

♥ “Me: I should go to the gym today. Also me: second lunch sounds like a good idea.”

♥ “Marriage, it’s like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.”

♥ “Goodbye weekend we had something special.”

♥ “Winners never quit, but quitters have more free time.”

♥ “Of if Friday were a food, it would be pizza.”

♥ “Life is too short to remove USB drive safely.”

♥ “’You’ll understand when you’re older.’ I am older and I understand absolutely nothing.”

♥ “I don’t care where we eat… As long as it’s not the 7 places you just named.”

♥ “I think my soulmate might be carbs.”

♥ “No, seriously. I’m late because my dog wouldn’t poop.”

♥ “Surely not everybody was kung fu fighting.”

Best Funny Quotes

♥ “I feel like I should clean the house, so I’m going to read until the feeling passes.”

♥ “To be honest, I’m just winging it. Life, motherhood, my eyeliner. Everything.”

♥ “When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance that it’s not happening I may even throw in an “oh that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening.”

♥ “You had me at we’ll make it look like an accident.”

♥ “I am “probably going to ask for a new swiffer wet jet for Christmas” years old.”

♥ “The fridge is a perfect example of what matters is on the inside.”

♥ “The human body is 90% water so we’re just cucumbers with anxiety.”

♥ “Daily affirmation: your hair is so much better than it was in middle school.”

♥ “9 Am: egg whites and avocado 1 pm: kale salad 6 pm: chicken and veggies 11 pm: 23 Oreos + tub of ice cream.”

Funniest Quotes About Smile

♥ “Come here you a big, beautiful cup of coffee, and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.”

♥ “Sweater weather? More like wrap up in a blanket and never leave weather”

♥ “Turns out my top 3 hobbies are: 1. Eating at restaurants 2. Going to nonessential businesses 3. Touching my face.”

♥ “You’re still a rockstar” I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:00.”

♥ “Keep your holiday diet balanced… A cookie in each hand. To the lovely endo.”

♥ “No, I don’t rise and shine” Most days, I just caffeinate and then hope for the best.”

♥ “Coffee is a cup of hope in a world full of chaos and Mondays.”

♥ “Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”

♥ “Cop: ma’am what’s in the bottle? Me: oh, just some water. Cop: ma’am. That’s wine. Me: Jesus did it again!”

♥ “Love is like a fart. If you have to force it. It’s probably shit.”

♥ “Kinda feeling like the earth just sent us all to our rooms to think about what we’ve done.”

Hilarious Quotes For Instagram

♥ “Love is in the air. Nope, that’s bacon.”

♥ “One day you’re not old and the next day you have a favorite grocery store.”

♥ “Of course size matters nobody wants a small cup of coffee.”

♥ “Dentist: open up please me: sometimes I get sad.”

♥ “When my bra matches my underwear I feel like I @rebel or have my life together.”

♥ “When you decide to have a cheat meal and all of a sudden it’s three years later…”

♥ “Apparently this year is being written by stephen king.”

♥ “I love when it gets dark at 4 pm. Said no one ever”

♥ “Without ice cream, would be darkness – and chaos there.”

Whether you’re looking for funny quotes to make a point, enliven a presentation, give a toast, or just for your own amusement, you’ve come to the right place. We have been collecting funny quotes since our first post. Looking for even more quotes? Check out our lists of uplifting quotes, family quotes, and life is short quotes. You might also enjoy our new compendium of the best jokes ever. Have fun—and you can quote us!